


Before I Give My Heart Away

by stuckysoul



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Anxiety, BUT PLEASE READ THEM IF YOU THINK YOU NEED THEM, Best Friends, Child Abuse, Cute, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, One Shot, Sad, THEY HAVE SPOILERS, but changbin doesn't know that, changbin volunteers at a kids hospital, felix is a patient in the hospital, trigger warnings in notes, volunteer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 10:32:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14830613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckysoul/pseuds/stuckysoul
Summary: Changbin loves kids, and he excitedly begins to volunteer at the nearby children's hospital. On the first day, he meets a beautiful boy named Felix, who he believes to also be a volunteer.Felix, in fact, is a patient in the hospital, and Changbin has no idea.





	Before I Give My Heart Away

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger Warnings!!** (CONTAIN SPOILERS)  
> -abuse  
> -cussing  
> -slurs  
> -anxiety  
> -cancer  
> -major character death  
> -some minor self-homophobia

Changbin walked in on his first day, feeling nervous but excited. He fiddled with his name tag, straightening it for what was probably the hundredth time. He shakily scribbled his name on the sign in sheet before heading up to the ninth floor.

 

It was his first day of volunteering at his local children’s hospital. It being his senior year of high school, he finally had enough free time in his schedule to sign up as part of the program. He’d always loved kids, and ever since his class had toured the hospital on a field trip way back in primary school, he loved the idea of being the one to care for all the brave ones stuck in here.

 

He wasn’t sure exactly where he was needed, and he didn’t want to intrerupt anyone busy with something important, so he meandered down to the “Terminally Ill” section of the floor. His aunt had died from cancer, so he couldn’t help but feel drawn to the children who were so bravely fighting such a horrible disease.

 

He quickly snatched a huge handful of candy from the counter and loaded up his hoodie pocket before gingerly stepping into the first room.

 

“Hey there, big guy,” he said softly to the young boy in the bed. “Want some candy?” The boy, who couldn’t be older than four, lit up immediately.

 

“Can-dy?” he repeated excitedly. He clapped his hands, causing his IV to fling around his face, but it didn’t seem to bother him. “Can-dy! Can-dy!” he squealed, reaching his hands for Changbin and clenching his palms greedily.

 

Changbin chuckled at the little boy and closed the distance between them. “Ah ah ah! What’s the magic word?” he pulled out a big lollipop and waved it around in front of the boy.

 

“Puh-lease! Puh-lease!”

 

Changbin broke out into laughter at the boy’s frantic yelling and happily handed over the lollipop. The boy had the wrapper off in less than a second, sticking the entire thing directly into his mouth.

 

“So, big guy, what’s your name?” Changbin ruffled his hair and tickled under his chin.

 

“Imhguanw!!” the boy mumbled loudly around the massive lollipop. Changbin laughed and tickled him again.

 

“I can’t hear you with your mouth full, you goofball.”

 

The boy giggled and pulled the candy out with a loud pop. “Hwan!” he repeated happily.

 

“Hello, Hwan! I’m Changbin!” he replied, pointing to his name tage as he said it. “See? Chang-bin.” he sounded out the blocks for Hwan, showing him how to read his name.

 

“Changbin! Changbin!” he clapped his hands, nearly dropping his lollipop, before shoving it back into his mouth. “Hank gou!” he thanked Changbin happily, somehow managing to smile with his massive, lollipop-filled cheeks. Changbin shot him one more huge smile and stepped back towards the door.

 

“It was awesome to meet you, Hwan! I’ll be back again tomorrow, ok?”

 

“Yay! Changbin come back! Changbin come back!” Hwan waved happily as Changbin left with a laugh. He was always amazed at how happy these kids were, despite what they were fighting. He found himself looking back at Hwan’s room fondly, which unfortunately meant he wasn’t looking where he was going.

 

He felt himself crash into the back of someone, somehow managing to completely lose his balance and fall quite ungracefully to the floor. His pocket full of candy flew everywhere, gumballs and suckers loudly bouncing throughout the entire hallway.

 

“Aish, I’m sorry.” he mumbled, feeling his face flare up with embarrassment as he hurriedly began to pick up the candy. “My fault completely, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

 

“Hey, no harm no foul. Haha, looks like you are dedicated to spoiling all these kids rotten, hmm?”

 

Changbin looked up to meet eyes with the young boy he’d unceremoniously crashed into, taking a breath with the intent to respond. The boy was down on the floor with him, helping collect the candy. Changbin’s breath caught in his throat, and his mouth dropped awkwardly--he couldn’t help but be struck with how stunningly beautiful the boy in front of him was.

 

“Um..you ok?” the boy suddenly broke the silence, looking at Changbin with mild concern on his features. Changbin felt his face flare red all over again.

 

“Yes! Yes. Sorry. Er--about running into you. And for--this. Um--just--sorry.” he stuttered over his words, breaking their eye contact. He wasn’t used to talking to people his age. “Thanks for helping with the candy.”

 

The boy chuckled softly, handing over his huge handful as he stood up from the floor. “No problem. The kids here need this much more than the floor does.” he giggled at his own joke, causing Changbin’s heart to flutter. He silently cursed at himself, shoving that feeling down.

 

“I’m Felix, by the way.” Felix said with a quick bow.

 

Changbin hastily shoved the candy back into his hoodie so he could bow in return. “Changbin.” he rushed out. “Er--so you’re a volunteer here, too?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. Felix blinked suddenly, opening his mouth to respond before abruptly shutting it again. He seemed to take just a brief moment’s hesitation before answering quickly.

 

“Yes. Yeah, I’ve been a volunteer for a few years now. Is this your first day?”

 

Changbin nodded shyly. “I was just going around to meet all the kids--hence the superfluous amounts of candy.” he replied, laughing awkwardly at himself.

 

“Hey, first impressions around here are everything. I see you’ve met Hwan, that kid would sell his soul for a lollipop on any day. These kids’ll never forget you!” he laughed brightly, his face lighting up with the biggest smile Changbin had ever seen. “You better not replace me as the favorite around here, that’s all I’m saying.”

 

“Don’t worry, I don’t think that’s possible.” Changbin blurted out before even thinking. Now, for the third time in just a few minutes, he felt his face go bright red. “Um--I think I’ll head into the next room now--sorry again for slamming into you.” he dared one last glance up from his feet, making eye contact with a warmly smiling Felix. Good lord--were those freckles on his face? Changbin instantly moved his gaze back to his shoes before he got another chance to embarrass himself.

 

“No worries. I hope to see you around again soon!”

 

Changbin hurriedly rushed past him and into the next room, letting his face look up from the floor and smile massively at the young girl in the bed. Unbeknownst to him, Felix’s gaze followed him.  Felix watched from afar as Changbin embraced the small girl, pulling back to give her the pick of the candy. Changbin, all the while, having no idea that Felix’s heart was doing flips similar to his own.

 

________

 

Changbin sat on a bench in one of the many waiting lobbies on the children’s floor, scarfing down a sandwich. He had the day off from school, so he’d hastily made a lunch, shoved it in his bag, and headed out to spend the day at the hospital. He’d been here for about a week now, getting the chance to meet all the kids in the terminally ill section, in addition to a lot of the newcomers as well.

 

He shoved the last huge bite of his sandwich in his mouth, eager to get back to the kids, when he heard someone giggle from across the room. His eyes shot up, coming to make contact with Felix, who was currently hiding his smile behind his hand.

 

“Whahtr youh laffing aht?” Changbin spoke through his huge, food-stuffed cheeks.

 

Felix snorted, a loud guffaw of laughter breaking loose. Changbin looked at him quizzically, still desperately trying to chew his food.

 

“You look like a hamster!” Felix snickered happily.

 

Changbin suddenly realized how ridiculous he must look and his hand flew up to cover his mouth, his face burning with embarrassment.

 

“No, no, I’m sorry--I meant--it’s cute.” Felix giggled. Changbin only blushed even more furiously and he quickly zipped his lunch box closed, jumping up from his chair. He finally managed to swallow his food, wiping the crumbs off his face as he did so. He moved to escape, giving a quick nod goodbye to Felix so as to not seem rude, when Felix shouted after him.

 

“Hang on! Er--I was wondering--do you want a tour?”

 

Changbin had already explored every inch of the wing he was allowed access to, but as he looked back at Felix, he felt something inside lurch with nervous excitement.

 

“Sure.” he heard himself say.

 

Felix’s face lit up, his eyes nearly disappearing entirely from the greatness of his smile.

 

“Ok, great! Follow me!”

 

Felix skipped past Changbin, eagerly beginning to point things out. Rather than rooms and patients, he pointed out smaller things, things Changbin would never have thought to ponder.

 

“This painting was done by the cutest little girl, only four years old. Her name was Jiyoo. She survived stage three Leukimia. Never stopped painting, no matter how sick she got. She even decided to paint hair on her head while she didn’t have any! She told me she loved being able to have fun new colors, every day. She always asked me to help her reach the back of her head.”

 

Felix smiled happily at the painting, giving a cute little sigh as he remembered the story. His eyes wandered across the hall to a chair that had a small tear in one of the cushions, and his eyes sparkled as he dashed over to it.

 

“Oh, this! Man, this was great!” he broke out into laughter as he tried to go on. “I helped this kid--his name was Seunghoon--he was twelve. Anyways, he was so sick of sitting in his bed, so once his parents fell asleep in the middle of the night I helped him sneak out here. We were just gonna take a few laps around the wing--I told him we could even steal some candy--when I tripped into his IV pole! It crashed down on here and the hook tore this cushion. The loud crash alerted like ten nurses, his parents, and even a doctor came rushing out--just to find us laughing our asses off in a heap on the floor. Man, that was a fun night.”

 

Changbin watched Felix in awe. He had such pure, beautiful memories. His eyes glistened, his face and hands being used emphatically as he excitedly told his stories. They walked around the entire wing like that--for nearly an hour, Changbin watched silently as Felix shared his wonderful memories.

 

Suddenly, Felix turned to Changbin, looking away from the chipped window he had just been rambling about. “I just realized,” he said dumbly. “I don’t know how old you are!”

 

Changbin gave a small smile and nodded at the realization. “I’m a ‘99 liner.” he said. “Twenty.”

 

Felix grinned. “I’m a 2000 liner.” he looked at Changbin hopefully.

 

Changbin coughed and cleared his throat. “Er--you can call me hyung--if you want.”

 

Felix’s grin broke into his now expectedly huge smile. “Ok, Changbin-hyung.”

 

They held eye contact for only a moment before Felix’s eyebrows shot up in excitement, launching into another story.

 

________

 

Changbin and Felix became inseparable. Changbin spent every second of his free time at the hospital. He began the usual habit of bringing his own dinner, being able to come directly after school and stay until late into the night. Changbin didn’t know how Felix always managed to be volunteering at the same times as him, and Felix brushed off any questions about his home life. One night, Changbin had a large exam the next day, but he refused to miss his usual time at the hospital. He lugged his backpack full of books up to the ninth floor, heading into one of the kids rooms and flopping down on the chair. He told her how he had a big test, so he was going to study while they played.

 

Felix walked in on Changbin huddled over a textbook as thick as his torso, reading intently. With his other hand, he colored cute little flowers alongside the girl’s drawing.

 

“Ok, that looks terrifying.”

 

Changbin glanced up from his book with a groan. “It’s even worse when you actually read it.”

 

Felix climbed onto the bed with the girl, picking up a blue crayon and began helping her color in the sky. “Why do you need to be reading that thing, anyways?”

 

“Big exam tomorrow. Chemistry. Pretty important. You know, senior year and all.” Changbin lifted his crayon to his mouth, tapping it against his lips as he reread a section. Suddenly, a thought popped into Changbin’s mind. He looked up to Felix curiously, his eyebrows crinkling. “Where do you go to school? I’ve never seen you at mine.”

 

Felix didn’t look up from the paper, scribbling the blue crayon viciously. “Uhhh---I--I’m homeschooled.” He rushed out. “That’s how I have so much time to spend here at the hospital.”

 

Changbin gave a hum of surprise. “Huh, ok! I guess that explains a lot.” he murmured as he continued reading his book, not noticing Felix’s quiet sigh of relief.

 

They continued on like that in silence, Felix smiling as the girl handed him a pink crayon and pointed to some flowers she wanted him to color. Felix was so focused on the page, he didn’t even notice how Changbin had stopped coloring until he heard a soft snore come from the other end of the bed. He looked up to see Changbin fast asleep in his textbook, his hand still gently holding the crayon. Felix giggled and pointed him out to the girl, then held up a finger to his lips so she would know to be quiet. She nodded with a soft giggle of her own as Felix gently got up off the bed, trying not to shift it too much. He snuck around to Changbin, gently shaking his shoulders. Changbin startled awake, looking around in drowsed confusion.

 

“Hyung, come on, you can’t fall asleep here. Here, I have your book and backpack, follow me.” Felix whispered softly.

 

Changbin stood up slowly, mumbling a goodbye to the young girl on the bed. He followed Felix blindly into another room, where Felix directed him to a couch. Changbin flopped down on it, but remained sitting up. He gestured for Felix to hand him his book.

 

“It doesn’t matter how tired I am, I still have that test.” he murmured.

 

Felix set the book just out of Changbin’s reach on the table and sat down beside him. “Hyung, you are obviously overworking yourself. Why do you come to the hospital every day if you aren’t getting enough sleep?”

 

“Because I like it here. I don’t like home.” Changbin’s eyes were drifting shut again, despite his desperate attempts to keep them open. He didn’t see Felix frown in concern at the comment.  “And who are you to say that to me, you’re here even more than I am.” Changbin mumbled.

 

Felix didn’t say anything at first as he scooted closer to Changbin, giving him the option of resting his head on his shoulder. Changbin slumped over, accepting the comfort, his breaths already beginning to even out.

 

“Well--that’s different.” Felix whispered.

 

“How so?” Changbin said sleepily.

 

“Shh, it just is. Go to sleep, I promise I’ll make sure you wake up in the morning for school.” Felix hesitated before reaching up to stroke Changbin’s hair softly. He slowly laid down on the couch, bringing Changbin down with him until they were cuddled closely together. With his head rested comfortably just over Felix’s beating heart, Changbin was asleep within seconds.

 

________

 

Changbin came back to the hospital after school the next day, feeling reasonably confident on his test. Not as much as he would like to be, but he was still in a good mood. He’d felt pretty embarrassed when he’d woken up to Felix’s deep voice, still wrapped in his arms, but he had to admit to himself that he hadn’t had such a peaceful night’s sleep in years. He’d scurried off to school quickly, not liking the way his heart was beating out of his chest. He’d been worrying that he’d come across as rude to Felix all day, and was eager to make sure everything was alright between them.

 

He made his way up to the ninth floor and put his things away in the usual spot. He never knew exactly where he’d find Felix, so he decided to make a quick lap of the wing and greet everyone while he looked. By now he knew each and every person on the floor, and it didn’t look like anyone new had been admitted that day. So he happily greeted everyone quickly, running in for a hug or a special handshake every now and then. His mood was still light, but it wasn’t until he glanced down and realized he was back at his backpack that he noticed he’d lapped the wing. Felix hadn’t been anywhere. It had been months now of Changbin volunteering, and not once had Felix ever been missing from the floor.

 

Changbin logically told himself that this was normal--that Felix always being there exactly when he was should be considered much less normal than him being absent. However, a spark of worry couldn’t help but bloom in Changbin’s chest. What if he _had_ thought he was being rude? What if he thought he was grossed out by cuddling with a guy? What if he was avoiding Changbin? Changbin’s mind raced, but he forced himself to calm his thoughts. He couldn’t control where Felix was, and the boy didn’t have a phone so he couldn’t contact him. He shouldn’t be sitting around, wasting his volunteer time with the kids just because he had his own problems.

 

He took a deep breath and went to check which kids needed help with a bath that day.

 

________

 

Changbin didn’t see Felix for another three days. On the fourth day, Changbin trudged into the elevator with a sigh. He had convinced himself he had scared Felix away, and he felt truly horrible. Kids around the wing had been asking for Felix, missing their freckled best friend just as much as Changbin did. It broke Changbin’s heart to tell them he had no idea where Felix was, or when he would be back. As the elevator doors dinged open, Changbin finally looked up from his feet.

 

Felix sat in a chair, chatting and laughing casually with a nurse. His hair was tucked completely underneath a bright pink beanie, and he was wearing his usual comfy baggy sweats, as if he had never been gone at all.

 

Changbin had to stick his arm out to keep the elevator door from closing, frozen in place as he stared at Felix. He felt his heart lurch into his throat. He desperately wanted to run to Felix, to capture him in a massive hug, to apologize over and over and over again. But he found himself too scared to move--too terrified that he might scare away the boy again. He jumped out of the elevator before the doors could close again, and he darted to the side before Felix could look up and see him. He took the long way to the cubbies, shoving his backpack and lunch box in one quickly. He took a deep shuddering breath. He turned around to go hide in one of the many rooms, but instead turned around and found himself inches from Felix.

 

He jumped back in surprise, slamming into the cubbies. Changbin, now much closer to Felix, immediately noticed how starkly his freckles stood out against his paled skin.

 

“F-felix.” he stammered. Felix didn’t look mad, he didn’t look scared, he didn’t even look upset. In fact, he was smiling. His huge smile took over his face, albeit he seemed slightly tired.

 

“Changbin-hyung, I’ve missed you. How’d that test go?” he said casually, coming forward to give Changbin a hug, just like they usually do.

 

Changbin felt Felix’s arms wrap around him, but he was still too confused to hug him back.

 

Felix pulled away, concerned. “Hyung? Are you ok?”

 

“I--yeah, I just--you--you aren’t mad at me?” Changbin whimpered quietly.

 

Felix seemed to melt at his hyung’s soft whine. He yanked Changbin back into a hug. “Of _course_ not, hyung! Why would you think that?”

 

“Well--I mean--we cuddled, but then I got scared and ran away, and then you were gone for three days, and I thought that you thought I didn’t like you and that’s not true at _all,_ you’re my best friend, and I like you so much, and I was so worried you didn’t want to be my friend anymore because we cuddled or--”

 

Felix started laughing, cutting off Changbin. Changbin was the one who pulled away this time, looking up at Felix with a confused expression. “What’s so funny?”

 

“You are, hyung. You could never scare me away. Especially not for cuddling! You’re my best friend, too. And, as long as you promise not to tell anyone," he joked mysteriously and leaned down to whisper dramatically into Changbin’s ear. “ _I’m gay_.”

 

Changbin startled back, blinking in surprise. Felix gave an exaggerated wink before bursting out laughing again. He reached down to take Changbin’s hand in his, and Changbin immediately linked their fingers together. Felix showed his huge smile at that, and Changbin felt a zap of energy burst through their hands and directly to his heart. He still didn’t know where Felix had gone, but he couldn’t believe how happy he was now that he was back.

 

________

 

Changbin didn’t know what would happen to them after Felix’s confession, but he found himself content when nothing actually did. He had never told _anyone_ about his sexuality, and even after Felix had come out first (and Changbin was pretty sure Felix knew he was the same), he couldn’t find the courage to actually say it.

 

To his relief, Felix never pushed it, and he never pushed for more. They spent their days at the hospital playing with the kids, their hands locked together as they made their way down the hallway. Changbin was worried they would get in trouble, but all the nurses seemed to be very excited about the new development. And the kids never cared at all. In fact, the only kid who even mentioned it at all was Hwan when he asked if he could hold their hands too. They had happily obliged, each taking one of his hands as they went for a gentle walk around the wing. (Changbin elected to be the one pushing the IV stand this time.)

 

One day, Changbin noticed Felix had been wearing the same hot pink beanie ever since his first day back. He questioned Felix about it, simply curious.

 

“I don’t know, it’s comfy I guess?” Felix said with a shrug.

 

“I mean, I don’t deny that it looks comfy, but aren’t you boiling? It’s always so hot in here.”

 

Felix just looked down at his feet and shrugged again. Changbin decided to leave it be, thinking about how Felix looked cute in it anyways. In a random moment of confidence, he told Felix that, his cheeks flaring up.

 

Felix looked up from his feet, his withdrawn expression changed completely to that of a warm smile. Changbin reached out for Felix’s hand and squeezed it. He mentally kicked himself for not being able to open himself up to Felix. If he couldn’t tell Felix, who could he ever tell?

 

Felix seemed to be able to practically read his mind, squeezing back reassuringly. “Come on, I saw the front desk got a restock of double bubbles today. Lets go hand some out!”

 

Changbin smiled and nodded, happy that they could still have fun with the kids, just like always.

 

________

 

Changbin was wearing makeup.

 

Changbin actually really liked wearing makeup, when he could. He never did anything too noticeable for going out in public, but he absolutely loved being able to rock a cat eye when he was home alone.

 

Today, though, he wasn’t wearing it for fun.

 

He winced as he gingerly reapplied more concealer to the dark black bruise adorning his cheek. It had been enough for the school day, but he was sure Felix would notice. Concealer could really only do so much.

 

He’d contemplated skipping his hospital time today, just to give it some time to heal, but he knew that today was a little girl named Ahyeong’s last day in the hospital and he refused to miss his chance to congratulate her and say goodbye.

 

So, with a sigh, he exited the school bathroom after shoving the concealer back into his bag. He yanked his hood up, casting a nice shadow over his face as he headed out the doors and towards the hospital. It was about a fifteen minute walk, and it was one of his favorite times of the day. It gave him the perfect amount of time to ground himself under the open sky, to take his mind off of school, to think about what he and Felix would get to do that day with the children. He pulled his face mask up as well, blocking out some of the smog, but being careful not to let it wipe any of his makeup off. He knew he couldn’t wear it while he was at the hospital (seeing volunteers in surgical masks always tended to make the children anxious, and that was the last thing he wanted.)

 

Once he was up on the ninth floor, he pulled off his mask and took his hood down. He stashed his things, then headed down the hall to Ahyeong’s room. There was already a lineup of nurses in the room, either giving her hugs and congratulating her, or working on getting her things ready to leave. She’d been fighting one last flare up, but a few days prior she had finally been declared cancer free. Changbin saw Felix standing beside her, his eyes bright as he talked with her excitedly. Changbin knew he’d been at the hospital since she’d been diagnosed, and had been there for every single one of her admissions. Changbin squeezed past the nurses and up to Ahyeong, making sure to avoid eye contact with Felix. He knelt down with a soft smile and opened his arms for a hug. As soon as she jumped forward and buried her face in his neck, he allowed himself to glance up to Felix. Felix was staring directly at his cheek, and his entire body had suddenly gone rigid. He furrowed his brow, his eyes darting up to meet with Changbin’s, then back down to his cheek. His eyes seemed to scream, as if he was trying to communicate telepathically with Changbin. Changbin simply sighed and shook his head softly, his eyes glancing to Ahyeong in his arms. Felix understood: now was not the time. Felix looked up towards the wall on the other side of the room, giving a quick huff and licking his lips, before he knelt to the ground as well and asked for his own hug. Ahyeong happily obliged, and Changbin watched with a cute little smile as Felix nearly hugged the life out of the sweet girl.

 

As soon as the elevator doors closed with a soft ding, obscuring their view of Ahyeong, Felix stopped waving and grabbed Changbin’s arm roughly. He yanked him away from the crowd, dragging him along behind him, and he practically slingshotted him into the same break room where they had spent the night together. Felix shut the door firmly and whirled around to face Changbin.

 

“What the hell happened to your face?”

 

Changbin flinched at Felix’s harsh words, and Felix instantly softened, his eyes apologetic. His face melted into desperately concerned features.

 

“Hyung, please. Please tell me. Was it someone at school?”

 

Changbin looked down at the ground, fiddling with his hoodie sleeves. He swallowed loudly, hesitating before he gave a very small, brief shake of his head. Felix took a small step forward, his brow creasing even more, his voice falling to a whisper.

 

“Someone in the streets?”

 

Another almost unnoticeabley small shake of his head.

 

“Was it someone at home?” Felix said so quietly Changbin could barely hear him.

 

Changbin didn’t respond, still staring intently at his feet, but the way he let out a sudden shuddering breath told Felix everything he needed to know. Changbin suddenly felt Felix’s arms wrap around him, and he let himself bury his head in Felix’s neck, his arms still hanging dead by his side. He knew he was crying, and that it was probably getting all over Felix, but he couldn’t stop himself.

 

“It’s ok, Changbin-hyung, it’s ok. I’m here.” Felix held onto Changbin like his own life depended on it.

 

“I--I’m s--sorry, Felix-ah,” Changbin choked out.

 

“Hey, hyung. Hyung, look at me.” Felix pulled back and took Changbin’s face in his own, gently wiping his tears away with a brush of his thumbs. “You have _nothing_ to be sorry for.”

 

“I shouldn’t be putting any of this on you, it’s n--none of your business, I’m just a f--fuck up and I’m so sorry you have to deal with it right now. I shouldn’t have come today, I just wanted to see Ahyeong, I didn’t want to make you worry-”

 

Felix yanked Changbin back into his arms, and Changbin suddenly noticed that he could feel tears falling onto his neck too.

 

“Felix? Felix-ah, why are you crying?” Changbin mumbled into his neck.

 

“You are not a fuck up, Changbin-hyung. Not even close. Whoever it was at home that did this to you is the fuck up. You are so beautiful, and so amazing, and so kind, and you _do not deserve this.”_ Felix’s arms squeezed even tighter, his fingers digging into Changbin’s arms like he was worried they were all that was holding them together. “Do you hear me? _You do not deserve this.”_

 

Changbin found himself falling apart, his tears turning into sobs, and he finally reached up to hug Felix back with just as much intensity. He had never told anyone about his family--he’d never had anyone close enough to him to tell. He’d never experienced this form of worry, of kindness, and he wasn’t sure he knew how to accept it.

 

“I love you, Felix-ah.” Changbin slurred through his sobs. He didn’t know to what extent he loved Felix. His mind was too clouded, too scared, too chained behind years and years of abuse to understand completely. But he knew, without a doubt, Felix was the first person in his life besides his sister that he honestly _loved._

 

Hidden in Changbin’s neck, Felix smiled. He closed his eyes and breathed in Changbin’s scent, committing him to memory, memorizing every single detail of this moment. The saltiness of their tears, the disinfectant of the hospital, the comforting woody smell of Changbin’s hoodie, all mingling together.

 

“I love you too, Changbin-hyung.”

 

________

 

They began spending more nights together at the hospital after that. Felix hated to have to watch Changbin go home, especially on days when he showed up with bruises. On those days, Felix would hug him and refuse to let go. Changbin wasn’t used to this much concern over him, but he slowly found himself finding safety and comfort in it.

 

Changbin bounded out of the elevator one day, his heart light. The sun was out, he’d gotten an A on his last test, and he was feeling excited to spend some time with Felix. Felix seemed to be in an equally good mood, popping out from behind the corner with a mischievous grin.

 

“My partner in crime has arrived. Quick! Stow your gadgets and supplies. Synchronize watches. Meet me in the break room, T minus two minutes.” Felix dramatically looked both ways, began humming the mission impossible theme, and darted across the hallway towards the break room.

 

Changbin snorted in laughter at Felix’s antics, and he raced off to the cubbies to put away his “gadgets and supplies” before joining him.

 

As soon as he opened the door, he felt someone grab his shoulders and yank him inside. The door was slammed shut behind him, and Felix spun around, guarding the door. “Were you followed?” he loudly whispered.

 

Changbin smiled, jokingly playing along. “I was careful. Not a soul saw.”

 

“Good. Today, at exactly oh-nine hundred, a new shipment of chocolate fudgesicles were delivered to the freezer in the nurse’s lounge. We,” he grinned evilly. “Are going to steal them.”

 

Changbin giggled, bouncing his eyebrows jokingly. He licked his lips and rushed over to the small kids table, flipping over a coloring page and grabbing out a crayon.

 

“Alright. Here’s the ninth floor.” He quickly sketched out the loop that the ninth floor was. “This is the nurse’s area. We know there are an average of twelve nurses on duty on the floor at all times.” He stuck his tongue through his teeth, sketching the area quickly. He snatched out another color, adding it in the nurse’s usual routes. “The nurse’s room is rarely empty. However,” he glanced at the clock on the wall. “Right about now, all the kids in the recovery wing will be heading down to physical therapy. That cuts the nurses on the floor in half. At this time of day, most of the others will be with their specifically assigned patients. The only one who won’t be is Hwan’s nurse. She is most likely in the target area. If we can get Hwan to distract Minjun-noona, that should give us at least a three minute window. We’ll have to sneak in from behind the desk; if we try to go in from the hall we’ll get caught for sure.” He added their path in bright pink, marking an X where the freezer was. He looked up from his drawing, locking eyes with Felix. “Do you think we can get Hwan to play along?”

 

Felix snorted. “For a fudgesicle? Absolutely. Absolutely he will.”

 

Changbin matched Felix’s sinister smile. “Roll out.”

 

They jumped up, running to the door. Felix opened it, just a fraction, and peeked through. Seeing no one, he stuck his head out, quickly glancing both ways. He opened the door fully, ushering Changbin through first with a hand signal. “Quick! To the corner!” he whispered.

 

Changbin dashed out the door, running across the hallway to hide behind the corner. He glanced around, getting a better view, before nodding to Felix to join him.

 

Changbin took lead, dashing back out into the open space of the hallway and making a break for Hwan’s room. He dropped to the ground beside the door, giving Felix a chance to catch up. He slowly reached up to grasp the door handle, pulling it down and unlatching the door. It creaked open slowly, alerting Hwan.

 

“Hello?” the boy said loudly.

 

Changbin somersaulted into the room, popping his head up just barely above the end of Hwan’s bed. He brought his finger to his lips, indicating to Hwan to be quiet. Felix crawled in after him before closing the door quietly with his foot. He reached up from the floor to pull down the blinds on the window that showed the hallway, and only then did they stand to their feet.

 

“Hyungs?” Hwan whispered, confused, but still trying to be quiet like Changbin had asked. They smiled down at him.

 

“Hwan, are you ready to be a part of a secret mission?”

 

Hwan nodded eagerly, eyes lighting up. Changbin leaned close to Hwan, looking around dramatically as if someone were about to pop out from behind the IV pole and catch them.

 

“We are going after the fudgesicles in the nurse’s room. But, Minjun-noona is guarding them like a dragon. We need you to create a distraction. Do you think you can do that?”

 

Hwan giggled quietly and nodded again, excitedly. Changbin held up his hands for a double high-five. “Yes! I knew we could count on you. Alright, here’s the plan. We’re gonna sneak back out the door. Count to thirty, so we can go hide behind the desk. Then create the distraction, ok?”

 

“Mhm! Mhm! Yes yes yes!” Hwan giggled.

 

Felix shot Hwan a fighting fist, and peeked back out through the blinds. “Coast is clear, Hyung. Let’s move!”

 

Changbin shot Hwan a huge smile, a fighting fist of his own, then dashed out the door behind Felix. They made it to the front desk quickly, diving behind it and pulling the chairs away so they could crawl beneath the desk. They pulled the chairs back in as far as they could go and held perfectly still. Changbin finished counting to thirty in his head, and right on cue, he heard Hwan begin to wail.

 

They held their breath as they heard the shuffling of feet, the beeping of a pager, and the opening of a door. They smiled at each other as they sneakily watched Minjun exit the nurse’s room, leaving the door slightly ajar.

 

“Hwan? Honey? I’m coming, sweetheart!” they heard her call out as she walked quickly into Hwan’s room.

 

Changbin and Felix made a beeline for the nurse’s room. As soon as they were inside, they frantically checked to make sure it was indeed empty, sharing a quick high five when they saw they had been right.

 

“Ok! We have three minutes, starting now, to secure the package and make it out without being detected.” Felix hurried over to the freezer, throwing it open. Two full, unopened boxes of fudgesicles stared back at them. Felix took them out, stacking them up in Changbin’s arms. Changbin headed back for the door, but stopped abruptly when he realized felix wasn’t following him.

 

“Felix! Come on!” he hissed.

 

“They should know.” Felix said mischievously through his goofy grin. He dashed over to the table, grappling for a scrap of paper and a pen. He drew a smiley face with angry eyebrows, then quickly signed it, holding it up for Changbin to see.

 

“The Strays.”

 

Changbin grinned, nodding in approval before gesturing frantically back towards the door. “Now quick! We gotta go!”

 

Felix put the note back in the freezer, closing it quietly, then raced off with Changbin.

 

They made it back to Hwan’s room, and as soon as the door shut behind them they burst out laughing. They cheered along with Hwan, unwrapping and handing him the first fudgesicle.

 

“We couldn’t have done it without you, Hwan-ah.” Felix said as he ruffled the boy’s hair. The boy took a massive bite out of the chocolate, somehow managing to immediately get chocolate all over his face. His eyes scrunched shut at the sudden cold, giggling through the pain. Felix and Changbin both laughed, shouting _braaaiiinnn freeeeezee!!!_ as the little boy clutched at his forehead.

 

Changbin and Felix quickly unwrapped their own, digging in deliciously. They each took a box and made their way around the entire wing, dodging nurses as they saw them. They handed out a fudgesicle to everyone before they made it back to the break room, only one left.

 

“Who gets the last one?” Felix asked as they collapsed onto the couch.

 

“Oof, you can have it. I still haven’t eaten dinner.”

 

“You are such a HYUNG, hyung!” Felix laughed as he reached for the treat. He raised the pitch in his voice, mimicking Changbin. “Oh, I need to be healthy, I still need to eat dinner, I can’t enjoy anything FUN before DINNER!”

 

“YAH!” Changbin punched Felix in the arm, yanking him into a headlock. “I am your elder, and you will treat me as such!”

 

Felix snickered as he fought his way out of Changbin’s grip and dashed to the other side of the room. He took a huge bite of his fudegsicle, swallowed it, then stuck out his chocolate-covered tongue at Changbin.

 

“That’s it!” Changbin snarled. He leapt off the couch, charging head on for (a now shrieking) Felix. They dashed around the break room, Felix just barely managing to twist and turn his way around furniture to avoid Changbin. All of a sudden, Felix stopped abruptly, and Changbin skidded to a halt to avoid smashing into him.

 

Felix had begun to cough violently, losing all interest in his snack. He clutched at his chest, hiding his mouth in his elbow as he choked air out of his lungs.

 

“Hey--Felix-ah, you ok?” Changbin asked, slightly worried. “Did you swallow it wrong or something?”

 

Felix stumbled over to the kitchen area of the break room, abandoning his cold treat in the sink, continuing to cough. He tried to smile reassuringly at Changbin, holding up a finger to say _just a second_ , but he broke into another fit and had to turn back to face the wall.

 

It took another few minutes before Felix was able to breathe normally again. He turned back to Changbin, very out of breath, and gave him a soft smile. Changbin returned his smile with concern.

 

“Hey, I’m ok! See, good as new. Running plus eating at the same time equals probably not the smartest plan.” he chuckled nervously. Changbin, not completely convinced, furrowed his brown deeper. Felix opened his eyes wide, throwing up his hands in innocent surrender. “I’m fine, hyung. Look. See? All good.” He did a little twirl as if to show that he was completely normal. “Come on, it’s getting late, and as you said,” he rose his voice in pitch again. “I haven’t even had dinner yet!”

 

Changbin pulled Felix back into a headlock, although he found himself being more gentle. He rubbed a light noogie onto his head, laughing at Felix’s whine. “Shut up, you brat. You should be _learning_ from my healthy eating habits.”

 

They headed out the door, the coughing fit forgotten, the barely eaten popsicle melting away behind them.

 

________

 

As the weeks dragged on, Felix began slowly missing more and more days. Changbin had to get used to the fact that Felix always being there, waiting for him after school, was no longer something to depend on. Despite Changbin’s concern, Felix still refused to answer any questions he posed. Changbin was forced to watch from the sidelines as Felix’s smiles lost their usual spark of energy. His laughter, still as bright as ever, always ended with a coughing fit. He seemed drained, and Changbin was sure he was getting skinnier. He started bringing extra food in his dinners, forcing some of it into Felix every day he was there. He didn’t know what was going on with his best friend, and it broke his heart that Felix wouldn’t tell him, but he was determined to still be there for him.

 

“You know you can tell me anything, right Felix-ah?” he said abruptly one day as they sat in the break room, each eating one half of his sandwich.

 

Felix didn’t look up from his food, simply nodding as he took another mouse-sized bite.

 

Changbin sighed. He didn’t know what he should do. He didn’t want to push for Felix to tell him something he so obviously wanted to keep to himself, but he also was overwhelmed with worry for his best friend’s well being.

 

He swallowed his bite quietly, then reached into his backpack and pulled out an envelope. He handed it out to Felix.

 

Felix looked at it, confused, before hesitantly taking it. As he began to open in, Changbin tried to stumble through an explanation.

 

“Um--the school years almost over. I’m graduating soon. I know we’ve never hung out outside of the hospital, but--I--I mean--I would love for you to be there. You know. For the ceremony. The graduation. Ceremony. You know.”

 

Felix smiled down at the graduation announcement, which was a simple yet cute selfie of Changbin. He was smiling brightly, wearing his graduation cap, his high school in the background. It looked as if it had been made quickly on a home computer, the cheap font and typos apparent in the details of the event. Changbin blushed and looked away as he heard Felix giggle lightly at the way Changbin had spelt “congradulations” with a D instead of a T.

 

“I--I’ll be there, hyung.”

 

Changbin’s eyes shot up from his lap, filled with joy. He knew his family wouldn’t be attending, besides maybe his sister. There was no one he wanted there more than Felix.

 

Felix smiled back, reaching up self-consciously to pull his pink beanie down further on his head. Changbin suddenly felt his heart lurch, almost identically to the way it had on the first day they’d met.

 

“I love you, Felix.”

 

Ever since that first I love you, they’d begun to casually use it as a farewell. But now, Changbin wasn’t leaving. He couldn’t help but feel as though he was finally understanding what his heart had been telling him since day one, and he needed Felix to know.

 

Felix seemed to instantly cave in on himself, tucking his legs together and instantly breaking their eye contact. He swallowed nervously, and Changbin glanced down to see that his hands were shaking where he had clasped them together. He lurched up abruptly, abandoning his sandwich on the table, and made a beeline for the door.

 

“Wait! Felix-ah, I didn’t mean to scare you, please don’t go!” Changbin jumped up from the couch, but Felix was already gone. Changbin felt his heart shatter as the door slammed shut behind him.

 

He stood, staring at the door, frozen. A single tear fell from his eye, and he hastily snatched it away. He’d pushed things too far. He was an _idiot_ , and he’d pushed things too far.

 

He cleaned up their unfinished sandwiches and went home early.

 

________

 

Changbin lay on his bed, staring at the sky out of his open window. He didn’t have a bedframe, so he had his bare mattress shoved against the wall. He’d placed it beneath the window at just the right angle so that he could see the sun rise in the reflection of the skyscrapers.

 

This was the first time he’d been in his room while the sun was still up in months. He’d almost forgotten his way back to his house from school, he was so used to going to the hospital.

 

He heard something crash in the kitchen, and he curled in on himself. He tucked his body against the wall, burying his face into his pillow.

 

_Please don’t check my room. Please don’t check my room. Please don’t check my room._

 

The door slammed open.

 

“Changbin, you mother fucking peice of shit!”

 

Changbin cried out as he felt his mom grip his hair, yanking his head out from the safety of his tattered pillow.

 

“I am fucking _talking to you!”_ she screamed into his ear, the smell of alcohol pungent on her breath.

 

Changbin bit his lip to keep it from wobbling, tasting the blood as the bitter iron hit his tongue.

 

“You are always gone. Day in! And day out! You had better be about to tell me that you got a fucking job. And you better have some money to hand over!”

 

Changbin reached up and yanked her hand off of his hair. “I’ve been volunteering at the children’s hospital, Mom. You know that. I’ve told you.”

 

Her eyes sent a chill down Changbin’s spine.

 

“Are you smart mouthing me, Changbin?”

 

Changbin instantly cowered. “No, no, I--I just meant I’ve told you about how I love helping the children before--it’s ok if you forgot--”

 

Changbin felt the side of his face sting brightly as the back of her hand slapped across it. He snapped his mouth shut, casting his gaze to the floor.

 

“So you’re still wasting your time with some dumb fucking kids that are _dying anyways_ instead of supporting your family? What kind of son are you??”

 

Changbin kept his mouth shut, but answers flew across his mind. _One that will never be good enough. Not for Mom. Not for me. Not for Felix._

 

“Did you hear me? Changbin, I said _did you hear me?!”_

 

Changbin felt her fist collide with his ear, and he fell to the ground, his head ringing.

 

“I’m sorry, Mom, please, I’m sorry, I’ll be a good son, I’ll get a job, I’ll--” Changbin gagged on his words as her foot dug into his stomach.

 

“You’re always all talk. I’ll be this, and I’ll be that, and then you still go running off to that stupid fucking hospital with that disgusting boy. Is he why you’ve been taking more food? Hmm? You thought I didn’t notice that, didn’t you. You thought I forgot about the way you’ve talked about him.” She knelt down beside him, grabbing his face in her hand and swinging it harshly up so he had to look at her. She squeezed his face between her fingers, disgust prominent in her face, before she threw his head back to the ground with a snarl.

 

“Fucking faggot.”

 

She slammed the door behind her.

 

Changbin curled in on himself, coughing violently from the pain in his stomach. He crawled up from the floor and made his way to the wall, leaning against it heavily. His breath came in short, desperate gasps, and he willed himself not to have a panic attack. He was grateful his sister had graduated early and gotten out of this hellhole, but that didn’t make dealing with panic attacks alone any easier.

 

He didn’t want to stay here. Not for another second--not with her still at home. He felt terror course through his body at the thought of seeing Felix, but this house was worse. His Mom would always be worse.

 

He stormed out the door, clutching his stomach, and raced past his Mom before she even had a chance to blink. He was out of the elevator and onto the street before he realized he hadn’t grabbed a single belonging.

 

He stumbled his way to the hospital. He knew he wasn’t too injured--he’d been worse, so he could feel it. But he must look like hell, what with his lip still bleeding, the new bruise blossoming on his face, and the cut from where her ring had sliced open his cheek. He didn’t even care if he saw Felix. Felix was probably better off without him. He just needed the kids.

 

He found so much courage from them. They were so young, so innocent, and yet they were dealt the horrible hand of fighting a unfair battle. If they could fight a disease that was literally tearing them apart from the inside, Changbin could make it through high school.

 

He scrubbed the blood off his face the best he could with his sleeve and walked directly into Hwan’s room. He sighed, feeling calmer than he’d been all day as Hwan smiled up at him.

 

“Hey, my big guy, how are you?” Changbin sat down on the bed with him and let Hwan snuggle beside him.

 

“Mmokay.” Hwan’s smile turned sad as he reached up and gently touched Changbin’s wounded cheek. “Changbinnie-hyung, owie?”

 

“Oh, it’s nothing, don’t worry about hyung. I’m ok, big guy.”

 

“Ch-Changbin? Hyung?”

 

Changbin’s gaze shot up from Hwan at the sudden deep voice.

 

Felix stood in the doorway--well, rather, leaned in the doorway. He was holding onto the doorframe as if it were the only thing keeping him standing. He was looking at Changbin’s face with overwhelming worry, and Changbin felt his insides twist in pained confusion.

 

He swallowed nervously, unsure of what to do. Hwan, innocently unaware of the tension, waved happily.

 

“Hello, Felix-hyung! Yay yay yay, both hyungs!”

 

Changbin couldn’t help but chuckle at the young boy, and when he dared a glance back up towards Felix, he was relieved to find his smile shining back at him. He took a deep breath and stood up, walking over to Felix.

 

“I--Felix--” he sighed, giving himself a brief moment to collect his thoughts. “Can we talk?”

 

Felix, looking guilty, nodded. They gave a quick goodbye to Hwan, and Felix hurriedly took Changbin’s hand before they made their way to their usual spot in the break room. Felix was leaning heavily on Changbin, and Changbin was simply grateful the boy was speaking to him.

 

As soon as they were behind closed doors, Changbin broke their skinship.

 

“Listen , Felix, I need to just talk for a minute, ok? So just--hear me out.” He licked his lips, tucking his hands up into his hoodie sleeves and staring directly at at a stain on the floor while he let his heart stumble messily out of his mouth.

 

“You mean everything to me. Ever since that first day I slammed into you--I’m still sorry about that, by the way--I’ve felt this way about you. But the thing is--I’ve never been anywhere, or met anyone that told me feeling that way was ok. Every family member, every teacher, every friend I’ve ever had in my life has told me it was wrong. So I just--never told anyone. I shoved it down, deep down, until I didn’t even think about it anymore. I didn’t like girls, no, but I didn’t like boys either. I just didn’t like anyone. But then I met you. And it scared me, but I didn’t want to give it up. I didn’t want to give you up. I wanted to be your best friend. I didn’t have to be more. But when you told me you were gay, I---” Changbin had to stop to breathe, and he closed his eyes so Felix wouldn’t see the tears growing in them. “I started to realize I couldn’t keep running from who I was anymore. I love you. I love you, Felix-ah, but I know you don’t love me. Not like that. And I am so, so, so sorry that I’ve ruined our friendship. But you are all I have, and I will do anything to fix what we were. Because a friendship with you is infinitely better than not having you at all.”

 

Changbin stopped, his heart pounding in his ears. He felt trapped in his head, too terrified to open his eyes. Too terrified that he would have to look into Felix’s and see hatred.

 

And at that moment, he felt Felix’s lips touch his own.

 

He gasped, his heart lurching into his throat. His eyes shot open, and he came face to face with Felix’s freckles. His lips were frozen, slightly parted, the tears that had been stuck behind his eyelids now being allowed to fall down his cheeks. Felix pulled away, reaching up to take Changbin’s face in his hands.

 

“I love you too, Changbin-hyung. More than you could ever understand.”

 

Changbin choked on his tears, bringing his arms up to yank Felix back towards him. Their lips crashed together, all of their pain, loneliness, and fear being washed away in their desperate kiss. Changbin gripped Felix even tighter, his emotions rolling across him in waves before they finally pulled apart for air. The moment Felix caught a breath, it broke into a sudden cough.

 

He shoved Changbin away from him, falling against the wall, his cough turning wet and violent. He hacked into his hand, and when he pulled it away, Changbin saw blood.

 

Changbin’s body went numb, and when he spoke, his voice trembled with terror.

 

“Felix. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

 

Felix looked up, his eyes flooded with guilt. His arm fell to his side.

 

“I’m sorry, Changbin.”

 

And with that, Felix collapsed.

 

________

 

Changbin’s veins felt as though someone had drained them of his blood and filled them with ice. He rushed to Felix, lifting him from the floor and clutching him against his chest as he screamed for help.

 

Nurses piled into the room, and they had him on a gurney in seconds. Changbin followed, his ears stuffed with cotton, the world seeming to revolve around him in slow motion.

 

He ran along behind as they wheeled him through the doors he’d never been allowed past and into a room at the end of the hall. Unlike most walls in the hospital, this room was decorated personally--posters of bands, animes, and countless numbers of children’s drawings. They heaved Felix onto the bed, hooking him up to an IV and several other machines that Changbin wasn’t entirely sure the use of.

 

“Changbin. Changbin, sweetie, I need you to wait in the hallway. His lungs are filling up with fluid, we need to drain them.”

 

Changbin heard the nurse as though she were underwater, his mouth dry as he desperately tried to respond. “Wh--why--why is this--h-happening--”

 

The nurse looked at him, confused. “It’s been happening nearly every week, hun. It’s his cancer, getting worse.”

 

Changbin felt himself being lead into the hallway, but he found himself falling to the floor as his vision tunneled.

 

_Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer._

 

He felt the nurse pat him gently on the shoulder before rushing back in to assist.

 

_Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer._

 

Changbin blacked out.

 

________

 

He woke up in a chair, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a nurse’s hand on his forehead.

 

“Hey, sweetie. Take it slow, ok? You fainted, but it all your vitals are normal. Just a bit of a shock there. Seeing Felix like that was probably a bit scary, right?”

 

Changbin’s eyes flitted over to Felix, who lay unconscious in the bed beside him. Everything came rushing back, and he gasped violently, lurching up in the chair.

 

“She said--she said he has _cancer_ , what was she talking about, why--why would she say that--”

 

The nurse captured Changbin in a hug, reaching up to brush his hair softly.

 

“Shh, Changbin. Shhh, it’s ok. Just take deep breaths with me, ok?” Changbin closed his eyes, welcoming her loving touch. He felt as though some part of him needed this--he needed someone to be there for him in a way his mother never was.

 

Once Changbin was breathing normally, she slowly slid back, her hand never leaving his hair as she combed through it.

 

“He has Thyroid lung cancer. Stage four. We--we all thought he’d told you.” she whispered softly, watching Changbin with loving concern. Changbin was staring directly at Felix, his face blank.

 

“Where’s his family?” Changbin asked dumbly.

 

“He’s an orphan, honey. He’s been living in the hospital for years.”

 

Suddenly, everything began to click in place. How he’s always been at the hospital. Never leaves the building. The recent days missing. The pink beanie he never took off.

 

Changbin felt like he was going to be sick.

 

He knew he had to ask the question, but every fiber in his being was screaming at him to just _leave it. You don’t want to know._

 

“How long does he have?”

 

The nurse sighed. “Maybe a few weeks. He’s been getting worse by the day.”

 

Changbin stopped listening.

 

He stumbled to Felix’s side, pushing past the nurse, haphazardly throwing her hand off of his hair. He should be crying, he thought. But he couldn’t feel anything. His body felt like someone had reached inside and ripped out everything that made him alive. He couldn’t feel his heart beating. He couldn’t hear the blood rushing in his veins. He couldn’t feel the oxygen as it entered his lungs.

 

He couldn’t feel Felix’s hand as he clasped it in his own.

 

________

 

He woke up again to someone’s hand on his forehead.

 

“Good morning, hyung.” he heard a deep voice say. “Well--I should clarify I only _think_ that it’s morning. The blinds are closed and I don’t have a clock in here.”

 

Changbin sat up quickly from where he had fallen asleep on the edge of Felix’s bed, wincing as his neck popped from the sudden movement. He scooted his chair closer and snatched Felix’s hand back in his.

 

“Why didn’t you _tell_ me?” Changbin whispered, jumping right to the point. He clutched his hand as if Felix were about to jump up and run away again.

 

Felix sighed, letting his head fall back onto his pillow. He seemed prepared for this question, as if he had been lying awake for hours writing the script.

 

“I wanted you to meet me for _me._ Not some orphan kid dying of cancer. But--I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. I knew I was dying, and you didn’t. I could never ask something like that of you. But when you confessed to me,” he shrugged, averting his eyes down to his lap. “I made a rash choice. A stupid choice. I’m dying. I have weeks. Maybe _days._ You have the rest of your life. I shouldn’t have kissed you. And I’m sorry.”

 

Changbin reached up with his free hand and turned Felix’s face towards him, capturing his lips in his own. He kissed Felix gently this time, committing the beautiful feeling of their lips slotting together to memory. He pulled away, holding Felix’s face in his hands, and looked intently into his eyes.

 

“And I want you, Felix, for every last second that I have you.”

 

Felix began to cry, shaking his head, holding Changbin’s wrists in a weak attempt to pull them away from his face. Changbin shushed him quietly and stroked his face with his thumb.

 

“Hyung isn’t going anywhere.”

 

________

 

Felix was told by his doctor that he couldn’t keep getting up and walking around. The constant strain on his body was causing the frequent fluid build ups, and they were rapidly weakening his body. So, Changbin stayed by his side. He left for school, and nothing else. He hated leaving for school, but Felix absolutely would not allow him to tank his grades with only two weeks left in the year. So, Changbin spent his days studying hard, doing everything he could to please Felix. The moment the bell rang he was out the door, sprinting full speed for the hospital. His fifteen minute walk turned into a five minute run.

 

They talked about everything. About Felix’s life before his diagnosis, about how he was chosen from the orphanage to receive free health care for a publicity stunt but ended up just never going back. Changbin told Felix about his family, how he’d never met his Dad, how his sister was amazing and had made it to college, and how he didn’t think he’d ever seen his Mom sober. Felix held him close, and they shared their rough pasts with each other, striping down every wall they had built up over the years.

 

“I’m gay.” Changbin blurted out one day while they were cuddling silently.

 

Felix laughed, turning his head to look at his hyung. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I got that.” he said jokingly.

 

“No, I mean--” Changbin shifted his body, putting his face directly in front of Felix’s and staring into his eyes. “I’ve never said it before. Not to my sister. Not to anyone. Hell, not even to myself. But--yeah. I’m gay.” Changbin tightened his lips, nodding stiffly as he repeated it again. He felt an immense calm wash over him, and for the first time in his life, he didn’t feel like he was lying to anyone. His heart settled, and a huge smile broke out onto his face. “Wow, that felt good to say!” he gasped gleefully.

 

Felix kissed Changbin happily, and their smiley kiss clacked their teeth together messily. Changbin took every kiss he got from Felix as though it were their first kiss all over again, and his heart soared.

 

“Felix?” Changbin mumbled into his lips.

 

“Mmm?” Felix refused to pull away.

 

“Felix-ah,” Changbin chuckled, forcing them apart, laughing at Felix’s whine. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

 

Felix’s eyes grew wide, seeming to take a moment to think. He gulped nervously, but licked his lips and nodded vigorously. Changbin laughed happily, thinking about how young and beautiful Felix looked. “You look like Hwan!” he joked.

 

Felix swatted at his arm playfully, but snuggled closer anyways. Changbin tried not to think about how young Felix was. About how much life he was going to miss.

 

He looked down at Felix with a sad smile, content in the moment, but feeling so helpless at the same time. He wanted to give them more time. He wanted to give _Felix_ more time.

 

As if Felix could read his thoughts, he suddenly looked up and caught Changbin’s eye. “Hey,” he whispered, reaching down to interlock their hands. “Stop beating yourself up. This is just life. I’ve known this is how it will end for years. I’m not scared to die.”

 

At the words _not scared to die_ , Changbin felt tears brimming in his eyes. “You may not be,” he shuddered. “But I am. I don’t--” he had to swallow away the tightness in his throat. “I’m not ready to be without you.”

 

Felix gripped Changbin tightly at that, burying his head into his boyfriend’s chest. “I’ll always be with you.” he mumbled. “I know how corny that is. But I mean it. I’ve had to watch so many kids lose their fights over the years, and I’ve never forgotten any of them. They’re always with me. In my heart, in my memories, in my stories.” He pulled up and kissed Changbin on the cheek, tasting his tears. “You’ll always have our stories, Changbin-hyung.”

 

________

 

Felix held on with everything he could. He wanted to give Changbin as much time as he could manage, and he had made a promise.

 

Changbin graduated today.

 

He’d begged the doctor to let him attend Changbin’s ceremony, but the man outright refused. Felix didn’t see the point in being careful, _he was dying anyways,_ but despite what he argued, he was confined to his room.

 

He lay on the bed, staring out the window sadly, wishing more than anything he could have made Changbin’s one wish come true. Changbin had promised to come by as soon as the ceremony ended, and with a glance at the clock Changbin had brought him he knew it was only just starting. He had a few hours to himself.

 

Just as Felix closed his eyes to take a nap, he heard the door swing open. He assumed it was his nurse, coming in to read the same things on his machines. _Yup, looks like he’s still dying._ Felix didn’t understand why they were still pretending to be caring for him. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew they were out of options.

 

“Psst. Felix.”

 

He opened his eyes, confused at the familiar voice in the room. “Hyung?” He rubbed his eyes, clearing them quickly, before blinking in surprise at the sight.

 

Changbin stood in the doorway, dressed in his black graduation gown. The tassel on his hat swung around his face as he stepped into the room.

 

“You couldn’t come to the ceremony, so I brought the ceremony to you.”

 

Behind Changbin, an old woman dressed in a black pantsuit stepped in as well. She bowed deeply to Felix, introducing herself as the principal of the high school.

 

“Changbin is a very dedicated young man. I am honored to be presenting him with his diploma. He has worked hard, and has graduated with excellent marks.” She took the diploma folder from the young man standing behind her, handing it to Changbin with two hands as a sign of honor. Changbin gratefully accepted, and they each bowed deeply to each other. The room erupted with applause from the nurses and doctors that had gathered to watch, and Felix watched with such a huge smile that tears were forming in his eyes. The principal turned back to Felix with a grin, and bowed again. “I wish you health and happiness. Goodbye, Felix.”

 

Nurses quickly ran up to congratulate Changbin, the room a flurry of bows and praises. Felix patiently waited his turn, his heart nearly bursting with pride as he watched the doctors bow to Changbin. Slowly, the room became empty, and as the last nurse left, Changbin finally turned to Felix.

 

He flashed his boyfriend a massive grin and tossed his cap in the air, ignoring where it landed. He bounded forward and into Felix’s loving arms. They kissed sloppily, their laughter and smiles interrupting their lips for only moments.

 

Changbin abandoned his gown on the chair not long after, curling up beside Felix. His cap still lay on the floor where he left it, and he stroked Felix’s arm gently.

 

“Changbin?” he heard Felix whisper, breaking the silence.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Will you sing for me?”

 

Changbin felt his heart pound. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d sang anything. He loved rapping along to his music with his headphones in, but he never sang. And yet, he couldn’t say no to Felix.

 

“What do you want me to sing?” he asked softly.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Felix responded.

 

Changbin licked his lips and thought for a moment. He cleared his throat awkwardly, having no idea what his voice was about to sound like, before he nervously began to sing one of his favorite songs: A Little Braver, by New Empire.

 

As he began the second verse, he felt his throat constricting, his voice threatening to crack.

 

_The playgrounds, they get rusty and your_

_Heart beats another ten thousand times before_

_I got the chance to say_

_I miss you_

 

He closed his eyes, soft tears falling again as he sang the chorus.

 

_When it gets hard_

_I get a little stronger now_

_I get a little braver now_

_And when it gets dark_

_I get a little brighter now_

_I get a little wiser now_

_Before I give my heart away._

 

Changbin had to stop, his throat refusing to cooperate. He wiped his tears away, clutching Felix to his chest. Felix had fallen asleep, his wet, loud breaths evening out into a pattern. Changbin let himself cry quietly, his tears falling onto Felix’s worn beanie.

 

_Before I give my heart away._

 

________

 

Changbin woke up to Felix’s loud, wet coughs, and his weak arms gently shaking him awake.

 

“Changbin,” Felix choked out. “Changbin-hyung.”

 

“Mhm? Felix-ah? What’s wrong?” he mumbled in his sleep-ridden voice.

 

“I think--” Felix’s breath shuddered. “I think it’s time to say goodbye.”

 

Changbin’s heart stopped dead. His eyes shot open, looking deep into Felix’s.

 

“No--no, Felix-ah, no, I’m not ready, you can’t leave me yet, I’m not ready--”

 

Felix didn’t have the energy to reach Changbin’s lips above him, so he settled on kissing his chest. He hugged Changbin as tight as he could, his weak arms barely managing that.

 

“I love you, Changbin-hyung. More than I have ever loved another soul. You gave my life a meaning I didn’t know it could have. You brought me a joy I didn’t know I could feel. I love you. I love you, I love you.”

 

Changbin swallowed down his sob, sliding down so they could lay face to face. He opened his mouth to speak, but Felix cut him off.

 

“You need to promise me something.” he said sternly, staring into Changbin’s eyes, holding in his coughs, his voice steady. “You aren’t going to let this break you.”

 

Changbin’s lips quivered, unsure of how to respond, and Felix took that as a sign to go on.

 

“I know you don’t have a home to go to. And I know you don’t have people out there waiting for you. But you brought so much joy into this hospital. Into me, into all the children, and I know you have such an amazing future. And you are going to meet amazing people, that love you for you, just like I do. Don’t hold yourself back from that. Don’t stop yourself from living the life you are meant to live. Do you promise me, Changbin-hyung? Do you promise me that?”

 

Changbin squeezed his eyes shut. He was terrified. He didn’t know if he had the strength.

 

“ _You are strong.”_

 

Changbin’s eyes opened, and he saw Felix’s smile one last time.

 

“I promise, Felix. I promise.”

 

Felix nodded, a soft calm settling over his face. His eyes brushed over Changbin’s features one last time before they fell closed. He let out one long, beautiful, peaceful breath.

 

And then Felix died.

 

________

 

Not many people came to the funeral. Changbin recognized a few nurses, as well as a doctor or two. Hwan sat in the front row, an IV pole by his side and a mask on his face, but still there nonetheless. A catholic pastor stood at the front, droning on about something Changbin wasn’t paying attention to, the tent that covered them casting a shadow over his face. The sun was out today, without a single cloud in sight, and Changbin liked to think that Felix was up there; that he was shining in the sun with a proud and peaceful beauty. He heard nurses take the stand and offer a few words about the brave orphan--calling him things like joyful, and selfless. Before he knew it, it was his turn to speak.

 

He shuffled his way to the podium, looking out over the small gathering of people.

 

“I didn’t know Felix for very long.” he started out. “Just one school year. And yet, in that time, I met someone who became more important to me than anyone I had ever known before him.” He looked up towards the sky, out the back of the tent, smiling at the pure blue that was so rarely seen in Korea.

 

“He taught me many things. He taught me how to accept love in a way I never had before. How to love myself, even when everyone and everything around me told me I shouldn’t. How to love him, in a way that I was almost too scared to admit. But above of all,” Changbin brought his eyes back from the sky and looked lovingly down towards the casket. “Above all, he gave me stories.”

 

Changbin felt his smile grow larger as he told the story of how they met in a colorful collision of candy. He giggled softly at the story of walking Hwan around the wing, each of them grasping a hand. He laughed brightly at the elaborate tale of the fudgesicle heist.

 

And he knew, as he shared their beautiful stories, that he would never forget Felix. The boy who couldn’t save himself, but saved Changbin instead.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for waiting for me while I worked on this! I'm so sorry I haven't updated A Little Braver in so long, but my best friend gave me the idea for this one shot and I couldn't move on until I finished it. I've never written this long of a one shot before, and it was very new to me, but I absolutely love how it turned out! (haha sorry for all the sad)
> 
> A Little Braver is going to be my sole focus for a while, so I will do my absolute best to get an update for that ASAP.
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day, and I truly appreciate everyone that takes the time to read my fics. I love you guys! ♡
> 
>  
> 
> ~Mixtape inspired by fic, made by SunshineBomb~
> 
> -"A Little Braver", by New Empire  
> -"Far Too Young To Die", by Panic! At the Disco  
> -"Free As A Bird", by the Beatles  
> -"No One Ever Loved", by Lykke Li  
> -"Say Something", by A Great Big World  
> -"Sign of the Times", by Harry Styles  
> -"Impossible", by James Arthur  
> -"Cancer", by My Chemical Romance  
> -"Hallelujah", by Rufus Wainwright  
> -"Just Breathe", by Pearl Jame  
> -"Asleep", by The Smiths  
> -"Stay With Me", by Chanyeol and Punch


End file.
